Thursday, 18 August 2016

Happily Ever After

I thought I had lost access to this blog.  I lost my password and the password recovery wanted to send the new password to an email account that I was unaware of.. long story short, I am on another computer and able to blog.

Random thoughts about what it's like to be a moderate drinker who needs to quit; not because of the havoc alcohol causes in my life but because of the havoc it causes in my mind.

As some of you know I am on another sober roll.  I almost wish I was a huge drinker because then my family and friends would be more understanding.  As it stands, when I abstain, I imagine that I am disappointing everyone.  I've done it before without worrying about it.  The reality is that no one cares whether I drink.  That's the reality.  I know hubby loves to share a bottle of wine when we go out for dinner but in general WHO THE HELL MATTERS MORE THAN ME??????

My situation is probably not as unique as I like to think it is.  I am sure there are a lot of people out there who, in society's mind, don't overdo it but, in their own mind, can't live with their moderate drinking.

There was a time when I did indeed have a problem controlling my intake.  For the ten years I lived in the province of Quebec, I drank a half bottle or more of wine every night for ten years.  That's what started this roller coaster ride of abstinence and moderation.

I am not saying for one minute that I've truly achieved release from the problem I became aware of a few years ago.  I have changed the actuality of how much I drink but the price I pay for moderation is the constant wanting and desire, the self control I am always striving for, the self-flagellation I go through when I have but one glass of wine, etc.

When all is said and done and I've finally won the battle of the booze I will have a sad story to tell.  The story will be about how I allowed myself to suffer far too long with self-reproach regarding the intake of a substance that is totally UNNECESSARY.

If I could live with my moderate intake, the story would end there.  But this story is not going to end "Happily Ever After" unless I finally give it up for good.  I've known that forever but have been stubbornly refusing to release myself of alcohol's hold on me.

It's like a prisoner who is in minimum security denying he is a prisoner.  Even though I can take it or leave it most of the time, I am still locked in the shackles of addiction even while I pretend to myself that I have it beaten.

This story has gone on long enough.

Sunday, 14 August 2016

Downing Wine Samples

Good morning!! Where has the summer gone?  In early July my elderly mother who lives with me fell and broke her hip and there went all our plans for vacation.  Coincidentally, our business was crazy busy and it would have been difficult to take time off to go to the lake but we sure had a hot one. Thank Gawd for AC.

Mom is recovering remarkably well in that she is walking slowly and carefully but has come a long way in the past month plus.  She is actually able to do most things by herself.

I have to admit that when she got home from the hospital and was completely helpless and needed 24 hour care, I got pretty discouraged and popped open a few bottles of wine to drown my sorrows.  My drinking has never returned to it's previous quantity but my goal has never been to moderate; it's been to QUIT.  I've had lots of sober days and nights but still have never accomplished an ongoing streak of sobriety that lasted longer than a few months.

You guys must be getting pretty sick of me.  I would rather stick my head in the sand and vanish from the face of this blog but the sober cyber world is encouraging in that open arms usually await me.  I deserve a little kick in the butt but then forgiveness as always.

So now instead of hardly drinking I am switching gears to never drinking.  The reality is that if I let myself go and just do as I please, it creeps up very slowly and stealthily.  I went grocery shopping yesterday and 1. I was very tempted to buy a bottle of wine conveniently sold instore which I haven't done in years and 2. They had about a dozen wine samples displayed in thimble sized plastic glasses and I envisioned downing all of them in quick succession.  Both thoughts are disturbing.

My son pulled another horror show with his overdoing of the booze and that's a real reminder of one of the original reasons I decided to quit... to set a good example for my kids and grandkids.

I hope all of you are doing fantastic.  I am.

Thursday, 7 July 2016

Sober Days, Restful Nights

I always sleep well; when I abstain I sleep even better.  I signed up for Belle of Tired of Thinking About Drinking's 100 Day Booze Free Challenge.  Even though I hardly drink, I am again committing to Belle because I feel the beast slowly creeping back into my life.

The way I eye a wine bottle, the excitement I feel at going to a bar that serves Draft Beer, the brain is slowly going back to the 'stinkin' 'thinkin'...

I know, I know ... I should know better.  But in sticking with my new mode of living which is to accept myself and not self-bash, I am moving forward on this issue with hope and a little more experience and hopefully, wisdom.

I have learned many drinking lessons.  I keep learning the same lessons over and over.  I have not crashed.  I have not hit rock bottom.  Actually, I have been successfully moderating but, even this is not good enough.

It's not good enough because it blocks the authentic me.  Even while successfully moderating, I was still somewhat of a slave to it's pull.  The decision to drink was still on the table, still at the forefront of my mind.

I can happily claim to have drank a maximum of ten drinks in the past three months.  That in itself should be an indication that abstinence is doable.  

Here we go!

Wednesday, 6 July 2016

Romantic Weekend Booked

Hey all, or Hey me!! I have tentatively booked a room in downtown Toronto on my hubby's birthday weekend to enjoy a romantic weekend together.  So I can check that off my list.

I've been very good with my flossing and my exercise so I am proud.

Monday, 4 July 2016

Sure Glad I Kept This Blog Going ...

Back on the wagon again after toying with moderation.  It worked well at first.

I barely drank and was so proud of the fact that everyone around me was sipping wine and I was not.  I had convinced myself that draft beer would be the exception to the abstinence rule and for a time, it was.

Nothing dramatic happened but, because, I kept my finger on the pulse of my sobriety, I noticed I was reaching for booze a little more often that I had hoped.  Eventually and inevitably I found myself stringing a few days of alcohol consumption together.  I think I drank a little each day for four days in a row.

Yikes!!  I knew that this was the beginning of the end.  On Friday I decided that I had to hop back on the abstinence train.  It was a no-brainer.

I spent the weekend sober and happy and have no regrets about my testing of the waters of my sobriety.  I am in a much better place now than I ever was.  I don't hate myself when I drink.  I am very aware of the consequences of someone with my 'addictive tendencies' to allow myself full freedom to do as I please.

This blog might end up being a lifetime accountability tool.  I refuse to feel bad when I stray from the logic of abstinence.  It's my bumpy journey and I am not harming anyone.

Abstinent again and my short term goal is to be 100 days sober (give or take a day) on my 60th birthday.


Tuesday, 21 June 2016

Still Doing Good

Hi, just checking in.  I know it's been a while.  I've been doing very well in abstaining from drinking and have only had a few sips here and there which have only highlighted my desire to stay clear of alcohol.  I would categorize myself as a non-drinker for all intents and purposes.

I've been busy and my scattered mind has taken me so many places that I feel like I am going around in circles in my interests and goals.

I have been working on incorporating new healthy habits into my life and am hoping to hit the big 6-0 this October in the best physical, emotional and spiritual shape I can possibly achieve.

This is taking up quite a bit of my time.

I'll try to post more often and promise to keep coming back on a regular basis to keep the Wine Witch at bay.

One thing I am not is consistent.  I am working on it.


Tuesday, 17 May 2016

Snow .. And An Inside Tip

WE HAD SNOW!!! It's supposed to be spring around these parts.  Yes, even in Quebec Canada where my lake house is it's that time of the year when life is supposed to be RENEWED.  I woke up yesterday at the lake house which we are preparing to sell and the snow that had fallen all the day before had settled overnight to form a pretty blanket of white s%&t on the hills and surrounding forest.  What a let down!

But hey, I'm sober so all is well.  Getting close to two months now and I've hit a milestone socially.  Our good friends and drinking buddies set up their trailer on the lake house property and had beer in hand each morning by 11:00 a.m. and continuously drank until the wee hours of the morning; hubby joining in at dinner time.  I managed through drinking lots of warm tea (which felt great in my cold little hands) and the occasional N/A beer.  I found myself doing all the clean up after meals as everyone else sat around to continue drinking and chatting; this issue WILL be rectified soon.

I still think the summer is going to be full of drinking bullshit and slobbery conversations so I am hopeful the lake house sells quickly.  It is absolutely beautiful, under priced and nestled in the forests and lakes of the Laurentian Mountains so what's not to love.  We need to unload it for financial reasons.

Check out this link

If you are Canadian or live close to the border, try the selection of A/F wines they offer.  I love the white MADD Virgin Blanc white wine and the Red Carl Jung Merlot.  They both taste like the real deal and are only 9.99 Canadian delivered.  Minimum order of six required.

My sugar cravings are pretty intense right now and I am trying to to eat too much junk but it's hard.

I've read the Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin over the weekend and loved it.  I am gearing up for my sixtieth birthday in October and wish to be at my best both physcally and emotionally by this fall to reverently prepare myself for the beginning of my Wise Woman Years.  I look forward to growing old now that I have things a little more in perspective.

Self-loathing is at an all-time low level right now as I am learning to accept my idiosyncrasies and character 'flaws' with more indulgence and love.

Well it's mid-May and I am putting hat, coat and gloves on to go get the mail.  C'est la vie!