Monday, 5 September 2016

Longest Freshwater Beach in the World

Hubby and I are in the midst of a well deserved ten day vacation and it's been lovely.  We went to Gananoque and took the boat tour of the 1000 Islands to Boldt Castle and loved it.  We then took our time and drove up north to the shores of Georgian Bay to a pretty amazing town called Wasaga Beach.  Georgian Bay has the longest fresh water beach in all the world.. and it's sandy and clean.  We are staying right on the beachfront strip and have been enjoying the pool, the very shallow water of Wasaga Beach, the food and the sunsets.  I have been a good sober girl.

I've treated myself to beachwear and delicious food.  We are really enjoying ourselves and,with my sister  staying with my Mom who lives with me, we have no cares in the world.

We both have been working so hard lately with the family business and my Mom's broken hip recovery at home.  Relaxation has been so wonderful.

Just checking in from the motel bed ...

Tuesday, 30 August 2016

Coping With Stresses

I could be sitting in a bubble bath full of red wine with a large straw right now and I would be where I want to be.  I am so thankful that I have a long fuse and an apathetic outlook on life's goings on because if I really cared about all the drama that goes on around here I would be drinking and drinking lots.

I won't go into detail about the stress except to say that family members have major anxiety and depression and they are living in close proximity to me at this time.  My house is filled to capacity with family members who I am happy to accommodate.  They are mostly fun to have around.

My workload is huge because of my live-in Mom's broken hip recovery, the houseful causing lots more dishes and tidying, business is booming and I run the office so there is very little time for me.

I am leaving on vacation tomorrow; just me and hubby.  We are so excited to be heading out for ten days all alone after the first year of hosting Mom. My sister will manage the house and the office will be run remotely.

I believe that because of my daily meditation, 6:00 a.m. riverside walks and my staying close to the cyber sober world, I am able to string a few weeks of sober time together... often ... and currently.

Today, this moment what matters is now.  That's all.  Thanks to my recovery process I am well educated on consciousness and and deliberate living.  Very grateful for all I've learned. I am able to provide refuge to family in need without losing my mind or my sobriety.  Today.

Tuesday, 23 August 2016

Why One Drinks (I did not but I sure know why I did)

The reality of life sure turns one's interest to escape at times.  Especially at the end of a day with lots of commitments.  I think one of the triggers for drinking is too much to do with no time to unwind.  I am setting myself up to fail if I continue to burn the candle at both ends.

I love the time I spend with my Grandkids and it's never enough but when it rains, it sometimes, pours.  Today I had two little munchkins all day, tomorrow I mind those two (6 & 3) and two others (2 and 1) because of a death in the family of my daughter's partner.  I also take care of my mother (who broke her hip, 2 ribs and disclocated her arm recently) full time as she lives with me .... and I run a construction business office (the only administrative employee).  The business is unusually busy thanks to Justin Trudeau, our new prime minister.  On top of that my 13 year old niece is living with me indefinitely and her mother is moving in on Friday.

I am one busy chick.  Hubby has been working out of town and is arriving to a crazy zoo tomorrow.  I feel like I have to keep those 4 little ones quiet when he arrives but at the same time make dinner and try to have a romantic welcome home type evening.

Yikes.  I found half a bottle of  red wine tonight and looked at it longingly.  I did not drink. Instead I wrote some notes on how I will set things up tomorrow to make the day as seamless as possible.

The good news is that my life is not constantly quite this crazy busy.  At the end of this week, I will not accept any more intense commitments until I have a chance to rest.

Once Mom passes (not wishful thinking but a reality given her age and health) and my sister and her daughter launch... once my children's children are in school (5 to 6 years) and once I've retired from the family business (5 years) I will not be this busy and I know that these days will be full of happy memories.  I enjoy each time I see the little ones, I love beating my mom at cards, having a young teenager in the house is a lot of fun.  Life will sometimes seem empty in the future.  I have to embrace these times.

The only thing consistent in life is inconsistency.

Thursday, 18 August 2016

Happily Ever After

I thought I had lost access to this blog.  I lost my password and the password recovery wanted to send the new password to an email account that I was unaware of.. long story short, I am on another computer and able to blog.

Random thoughts about what it's like to be a moderate drinker who needs to quit; not because of the havoc alcohol causes in my life but because of the havoc it causes in my mind.

As some of you know I am on another sober roll.  I almost wish I was a huge drinker because then my family and friends would be more understanding.  As it stands, when I abstain, I imagine that I am disappointing everyone.  I've done it before without worrying about it.  The reality is that no one cares whether I drink.  That's the reality.  I know hubby loves to share a bottle of wine when we go out for dinner but in general WHO THE HELL MATTERS MORE THAN ME??????

My situation is probably not as unique as I like to think it is.  I am sure there are a lot of people out there who, in society's mind, don't overdo it but, in their own mind, can't live with their moderate drinking.

There was a time when I did indeed have a problem controlling my intake.  For the ten years I lived in the province of Quebec, I drank a half bottle or more of wine every night for ten years.  That's what started this roller coaster ride of abstinence and moderation.

I am not saying for one minute that I've truly achieved release from the problem I became aware of a few years ago.  I have changed the actuality of how much I drink but the price I pay for moderation is the constant wanting and desire, the self control I am always striving for, the self-flagellation I go through when I have but one glass of wine, etc.

When all is said and done and I've finally won the battle of the booze I will have a sad story to tell.  The story will be about how I allowed myself to suffer far too long with self-reproach regarding the intake of a substance that is totally UNNECESSARY.

If I could live with my moderate intake, the story would end there.  But this story is not going to end "Happily Ever After" unless I finally give it up for good.  I've known that forever but have been stubbornly refusing to release myself of alcohol's hold on me.

It's like a prisoner who is in minimum security denying he is a prisoner.  Even though I can take it or leave it most of the time, I am still locked in the shackles of addiction even while I pretend to myself that I have it beaten.

This story has gone on long enough.

Sunday, 14 August 2016

Downing Wine Samples

Good morning!! Where has the summer gone?  In early July my elderly mother who lives with me fell and broke her hip and there went all our plans for vacation.  Coincidentally, our business was crazy busy and it would have been difficult to take time off to go to the lake but we sure had a hot one. Thank Gawd for AC.

Mom is recovering remarkably well in that she is walking slowly and carefully but has come a long way in the past month plus.  She is actually able to do most things by herself.

I have to admit that when she got home from the hospital and was completely helpless and needed 24 hour care, I got pretty discouraged and popped open a few bottles of wine to drown my sorrows.  My drinking has never returned to it's previous quantity but my goal has never been to moderate; it's been to QUIT.  I've had lots of sober days and nights but still have never accomplished an ongoing streak of sobriety that lasted longer than a few months.

You guys must be getting pretty sick of me.  I would rather stick my head in the sand and vanish from the face of this blog but the sober cyber world is encouraging in that open arms usually await me.  I deserve a little kick in the butt but then forgiveness as always.

So now instead of hardly drinking I am switching gears to never drinking.  The reality is that if I let myself go and just do as I please, it creeps up very slowly and stealthily.  I went grocery shopping yesterday and 1. I was very tempted to buy a bottle of wine conveniently sold instore which I haven't done in years and 2. They had about a dozen wine samples displayed in thimble sized plastic glasses and I envisioned downing all of them in quick succession.  Both thoughts are disturbing.

My son pulled another horror show with his overdoing of the booze and that's a real reminder of one of the original reasons I decided to quit... to set a good example for my kids and grandkids.

I hope all of you are doing fantastic.  I am.

Thursday, 7 July 2016

Sober Days, Restful Nights

I always sleep well; when I abstain I sleep even better.  I signed up for Belle of Tired of Thinking About Drinking's 100 Day Booze Free Challenge.  Even though I hardly drink, I am again committing to Belle because I feel the beast slowly creeping back into my life.

The way I eye a wine bottle, the excitement I feel at going to a bar that serves Draft Beer, the brain is slowly going back to the 'stinkin' 'thinkin'...

I know, I know ... I should know better.  But in sticking with my new mode of living which is to accept myself and not self-bash, I am moving forward on this issue with hope and a little more experience and hopefully, wisdom.

I have learned many drinking lessons.  I keep learning the same lessons over and over.  I have not crashed.  I have not hit rock bottom.  Actually, I have been successfully moderating but, even this is not good enough.

It's not good enough because it blocks the authentic me.  Even while successfully moderating, I was still somewhat of a slave to it's pull.  The decision to drink was still on the table, still at the forefront of my mind.

I can happily claim to have drank a maximum of ten drinks in the past three months.  That in itself should be an indication that abstinence is doable.  

Here we go!

Wednesday, 6 July 2016

Romantic Weekend Booked

Hey all, or Hey me!! I have tentatively booked a room in downtown Toronto on my hubby's birthday weekend to enjoy a romantic weekend together.  So I can check that off my list.

I've been very good with my flossing and my exercise so I am proud.